Hair Today

Why Can't Middle-Aged Women Have Long Hair?

To some extent I know this pain (in the butt). Spent many years with hair at/past my shoulder blades. Sometimes I had to put my hair up to use the ladies room, it was crazy. Many friends who thought they were helping me with peer pressure to look more like them cut my hair, but it ended up being less kind and more obnoxious.

This spring I got my hair cut and layered out of hairstyle based boredom. Why not? It was still a longer mane, but shoulder length rather than butt length, and it was fun. Of course, a whole other group of friends freaked out about me cutting my epic mane. Some days you just can't win.

Srsly? This is a cosmetic feature. I understand these things can have a sneaky psychological effect on others. But if someone is going to ignore me or look down on me because I have luxuriously long locks, or some other superficial difference from the average person, I think it's more their loss than mine.

Not sure if I'm going back to get another layered haircut. It was cute, but difficult to braid and ended up in my eyes a lot.


A quick tip- putting long hair in a pony tail causes more breaks in the middle of the hair, braiding is better if you want to grow it long. At night, during the day, all the time.

Assuming your hair lets you. Some of my friends have super curly hair that will not concede to be braided. A person's relationship with their hair can be hard enough without outside interference, please keep this in mind if you like to interfere with other people's lives help others.

Having a stronger effect on the less informed.

I almost titled this "Having a stronger effect on the weak minded," but I'm of the opinion that mindfulness can be learned, even if it doesn't seem to be someone's natural groove. And it just sounds mean.

Angry/negative people can be bad for your brain.

A TON of this relates to what I've studied with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and NLP. Unhappiness, anger, and anxiety can be contagious. A person can change the quality of emotions in a room/conversation by expressing more positive emotions in their own behavior. If they can accomplish that, their listener(s) respond more positively to arguments or suggestions.

I haven't read about mirror neurons before, but it fits my NLP studies. It also relates to another post I'm working on about creative projects and related social scenes (write, Sassy! WRITE!), will post later.

Furthermore, another possible view on sympathetic magic: "Be the change you want to see in the world." Yay, Ghandi!

Bolivia

Bolivia, by Havi Brooks [link].

I am thirty three years old and have not once seriously considered moving to Bolivia.

It’s weird, because normally I wouldn’t even mention that.

But here we are. Most women do end up moving to Bolivia.

And by my age, you’re pretty much expected to have already moved there or at least you’re supposed to be trying really hard to get there.

To be clear: I have nothing against Bolivia. It seems like a lovely place. Just not one that pulls me. It has never called my name.

And even though I don’t talk about my relationship (or non-relationship) to Bolivia, we will talk about it today.

Because I have words that need to be said about loneliness, power and the extremely problematic word: “choice”.

To be honest, I have wondered about moving to Bolivia, but I have plenty of things to do here and now. There are plenty of remarkable and rewarding things I can do in my lifetime without going there.

Also, this metaph0r works for more than one "women's issue" subject to societal pressure. I'll bet it works on some for the menfolk as well :-)

October is Depression Awareness Month

Thanx to Scrangie for reminding me. She also has a very helpful blog post up, and if you want to fly the colors (green) she has a truckload of nail polishes to match ;-)

This is something I've wrestled with all my life, regardless of external circumstances, with varying degrees of success. There are good days and bad days and it's worth holding out for the good ones.


From the National Institute of Mental Health website (check them out for more info):

What Is Depression?

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad, but these feelings are usually fleeting and pass within a couple of days. When a person has a depressive disorder, it interferes with daily life, normal functioning, and causes pain for both the person with the disorder and those who care about him or her. Depression is a common but serious illness, and most who experience it need treatment to get better.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the vast majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better with treatment. Intensive research into the illness has resulted in the development of medications, psychotherapies, and other methods to treat people with this disabling disorder.

What are the signs and symptoms of depression?

People with depressive illnesses do not all experience the same symptoms. The severity, frequency and duration of symptoms will vary depending on the individual and his or her particular illness.

Symptoms include:

• Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

What causes depression?

There is no single known cause of depression. Rather, it likely results from a combination of genetic, biochemical, environmental, and psychological factors.

Research indicates that depressive illnesses are disorders of the brain. Brain-imaging technologies, such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), have shown that the brains of people who have depression look different than those of people without depression. The parts of the brain responsible for regulating mood, thinking, sleep, appetite and behavior appear to function abnormally. In addition, important neurotransmitters–chemicals that brain cells use to communicate–appear to be out of balance. But these images do not reveal why the depression has occurred.

Some types of depression tend to run in families, suggesting a genetic link. However, depression can occur in people without family histories of depression as well.⁹ Genetics research indicates that risk for depression results from the influence of multiple genes acting together with environmental or other factors.¹⁰

In addition, trauma, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, or any stressful situation may trigger a depressive episode. Subsequent depressive episodes may occur with or without an obvious trigger.

How can I help a friend or relative who is depressed?

If you know someone who is depressed, it affects you too. The first and most important thing you can do to help a friend or relative who has depression is to help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. You may need to make an appointment on behalf of your friend or relative and go with him or her to see the doctor. Encourage him or her to stay in treatment, or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs after six to eight weeks.

To help a friend or relative:

• Offer emotional support, understanding, patience and encouragement.
• Engage your friend or relative in conversation, and listen carefully.
• Never disparage feelings your friend or relative expresses, but point out realities and offer hope.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to your friend's or relative's therapist or doctor.
• Invite your friend or relative out for walks, outings and other activities. Keep trying if he or she declines, but don't push him or her to take on too much too soon. Although diversions and company are needed, too many demands may increase feelings of failure.
• Remind your friend or relative that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

How can I help myself if I am depressed?

If you have depression, you may feel exhausted, helpless and hopeless. It may be extremely difficult to take any action to help yourself. But it is important to realize that these feelings are part of the depression and do not accurately reflect actual circumstances. As you begin to recognize your depression and begin treatment, negative thinking will fade.

To help yourself:

• Engage in mild activity or exercise. Go to a movie, a ballgame, or another event or activity that you once enjoyed. Participate in religious, social or other activities.
• Set realistic goals for yourself.
• Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities and do what you can as you can.
• Try to spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend or relative. Try not to isolate yourself, and let others help you.
• Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Do not expect to suddenly "snap out of" your depression. Often during treatment for depression, sleep and appetite will begin to improve before your depressed mood lifts.
• Postpone important decisions, such as getting married or divorced or changing jobs, until you feel better. Discuss decisions with others who know you well and have a more objective view of your situation.
• Remember that positive thinking will replace negative thoughts as your depression responds to treatment.

Perfection, and Its Cure

The Disease Called Perfection,

and

The CURE for "Perfection"

by Single Dad Laughing.


I don't think there's anything I can really say better, or to make it better, except "It's always OK to be you."

Spinster Links!

On Interpersonal Badness - You Are Worthless, Lets Be Friends. Reminds me of a crazy social group I got out of a few years ago. But I wonder how often we all act like this without realizing?


Panic, Meditation, and the Dilettante. I also don't get around to meditating every day, but that is mostly due to bad time management skills. Maybe I need a Pagan life coach.


Best Friend Rape Prevention. Trigger warnings. I agree with the author, "Random goons on the street and invading homes have nothing statistically on friends, dates, and partners." So how does a person apply stranger-rape prevention advice in a familiar environment?


Why 'Female' Science Professor? "Why the extra adjective? Does it matter in my work as a scientist and a professor that I am female? Many times it does."


Of girls and geeks: Environment may be why women don't like computer science. But ... I like Star Trek posters? Still an interesting experiment.


Sign of the Times: Barbie's a Tech Geek. I'm still not sure how to respond to this. Tho I'm surprised she's not a Mac user.


How My Little Pony Turned a Little Girl Into a Computer Scientist. So Matel was off by one franchise ;-)


Fashion and the Female Geek, First Steps. "...I can address not only how to be taken seriously as a ‘front-line geek feminist’ – but also how to maintain a standard of comfort that is (quite frankly) essential to a woman who has plenty of ‘geeky’ passions that occupy her time and keep her on her biologically-accurate toes."

Internet Bounty

How To Clean Stuff dot Net. Thank goodness, because I am a spaz.


5 Minute Chocolate Cake. Baked in a coffee mug, in a microwave. This is a dangerous thing for me to find, so I'm sharing the peril.


Six Months of Rules. From "Premise," For the last six months of my twenties, I am going to follow "the Rules" of dating (or my best interpretation of them) and write about it.

Just reading the first few pages... Madam, you have way more patience for this than I would. Good luck with your project :-)


Are You Eating Yourself Into Debt? From Man Vs. Debt.

I definitely was.


Welcome to the Institute for Beyonce-related Cultural Studies. . . A despicable charade where so much is demanded of women, so much compliance and poking and prodding, so much effort to make ourselves beautiful and radiant and perfect, so much forcing of square pegs into round holes, just so we could meet it all, do it all, get close to the apex of perfection and still be worth nothing.

The Beyonce song reminds me of some back-foot humor. "How is a girl like you still single?" How are you dumb enough to ask me that question?

The Latest Links

Despite my extended break from blogging, I have found things both awe and ire inspiring all over the interwebs :-)

Imaginary Bitches on Youtube! A woman who is the last single girl in her group of friends suddenly develops a pair of imaginary friends. Friends who are total bitches. Awesome hijinks ensue. Totally free to watch this online tv show, but I wish they'd get on with season 2.

The Technique of the Love Affair. A romance self-help book penned in the 1920s, reprinted with commentary. It's a super interesting read if you are a student of history and feminism, or have a Machiavellian view on relationships. And the more things change, the more they seem to stay the same...

Rape Culture and Road Rage, on Livejournal. A conversation about rape culture, and how baby steps can go a long way towards dismantling it.

Contrary to the Myth, Abortion is NOT the Most Controversial "Choice" Issue: Words of Caution for Elena Kagan Yet another double standard. Western culture still doesn't know how to deal with women (single or otherwise) who don't want to have children.

No More Sex in the City: NYC women are going celibate - and they feel happier than ever. Um... This article has some interesting points, but is annoying overall. I don't like the NY Post's point of view that all women in their 20s will eagerly hook up with someone they met on the subway. And how two weeks without sex is some enormous personal achievement. And the last line, “But I think it’s harder to not have sex than to have sex.” Speak for yourself.

For the record, I'm not celibate, I just have standards. And so do most women in NYC. Like a friend of mine replied on Facebook, "Not having sex or a relationship is not some horrible fate that bad sex and bad relationships will somehow improve upon." Srsly.


And because 'tis the season, Doctor Who - Tenth Doctor: The Musical. No time for boys right now, it's Doctor Who season!! I'm loving Doc 11, but I am still not impressed with Moffat's ability to write female characters.

Breaking all the right laws ;-)

I have the Soul Flu today :-/ To combat it, I'm trying to focus on happy stuff.

This is just about the happiest thing I see happening in my circles of friends right now. Ironically for this blog, it's a wedding. But it's a really fantastically awesome wedding.

ZeroGravityWedding.com

From their blog, because of course they are blogging this:

In a few short months, my fiancée and I hope to be the first couple married in zero gravity.

When we started talking about marriage, Noah joked that we should have our wedding “in space”. Although most girls would take this to mean Noah didn’t want to get married, Erin knew he was sincere, and that this was a serious request. We decided marrying on the zero gravity plane would be a good compromise.

As kids, we both wanted to be astronauts - at least until we discovered the extensive higher-level mathematics skills involved. Erin attended space camp at the Michigan Space Center, and Noah volunteered at his local planetarium.

We hope that by having the first zero gravity wedding, we can promote the new wave of private space travel and space tourism. We hope that we can one day experience space flight and perhaps make a small contribution towards space exploration.

I know Erin from the NYU Sci Fi Club (we were both Doctor Who fans before it was cool), and I think this may qualify her as one of our most awesome alumni ;-) This is also the first zero-g wedding of all time, so there are lots more articles about it linked from the blog. Also pics of the wedding dress. *giggles*


This is why I don't want to settle for less than awesome in relationships, romantic or otherwise. Because my friends have set the bar pretty damn high :-D

Don't Pity the Spinsters ;-)

My friend emailed me about this awesome article:
Don't Pity the Spinsters

Yay! It it so awesome to see women taking care of themselves, and their own. In a large swath of our society women are supposed to take care of themselves last. Supposedly a man is also supposed to take care of her, and children are supposed to be grateful and respectful, but when that fails the wife/mother has to pick up the slack anyway.

I agree with the author that if a person has found a partner that truly works and cares in equal amounts, awesome! Unfortunately, lots of people have a hard time distinguishing the differences between a partner and a parasite. Both men and women need to watch out for social/emotional/economic parasites. But when society still tells us we need to get hitched, this can get confusing and depressing.

I really like my life, I take care of myself :-). Well... I'm getting there. At least I have the time and space to listen to myself and fix my problems. It actually saves a lot of time and energy when you're not waiting for someone else to fix things for you.

Some people have not been supportive about this path I'm on. My friends and this author have similar stories. I still think that kind of nastiness stems from insecurity, that weird unhealthy need for people to tear others down. Especially when different choices lead to less miserable outcomes. Insecurity leads to the Romatrix, Neo.


While lurking, I found another article from Charleston that I liked:
A Home of One's Own

After my own real estate adventures, I'm still not quite ready to post advice on it. But I will someday. I totally know where this lady's been, although my situations and plans are a little different. Real estate makes ya crazy.


Now I'm leaving work to hang out with writers, bohemians, and crazy types ON A BOAT!

If I could turn back time...

Right now I'm home sick with Captain Tripps :-P. Am pretty sure it's not the swine flu, but I still hate being sick.


If I wasn't quite so addled on cold meds, I might try and take part in this, but for now I'll just post about how awesome it is:

Lessons for Girls

Much savvier lady bloggers than I expounding on lessons they wish they'd learned before they grew up. Hopefully to help influence a new generation of highly awesome women.

The part that struck home for me was this from Lesson 8 "You don't have to be a mom," although not strictly in the vein of reproductive rights:

As a child, I recall adults asking my brother what he wanted to be when he grew up, listening to him sagely, then turning to me and flatly declaring, “I know what you want to be: a MOMMY!” And when I denied this desire, I have always been told, with a patronizing “what-a-silly-girl!” smile, “Oh, you’ll change your mind!” I was told I would change my mind when I grew up; then I was told I would change my mind when I met the right man; then, that I would change my mind when I settled down; that I would change my mind overnight when my “biological clock” suddenly started ticking; that I would change my mind when my friends had babies; even that I would change my mind after I had tenure. When confident assertions of my hidden maternal nature proved inadequate, the appeals to conscience began. I was told that I must have children for the sake of my future old age, for the sake of the human race, for the sake of perpetuating progressive values, for the sake of passing on my own intelligent genes (this last from my mom).

I got similar reactions from some friends when I started this blog project. And some of them aren't my friends anymore. In this way, I also connect pretty strongly with Lesson 2 "Opting Out."

Returned and Renewed

Settling into the new place took a bit more time and energy than I expected, and then I started working on beady bizness stuff, and I lost track of my "Yay Single" blogging habits. Sorry peoples! On the up-side, my new apartment is now absolutely awesome.

I decided to look for relevant articles and books to link, to jump start my habit without having to think too hard today. And then I struck gold!


Quirkyalone, singular insights on life and love. Where have you BEEN all my life?!?!


An exerpt from the article/manifesto that started it all,
People Like Us: The Quirkyalones:

Better to be untethered and open to possibility: living for the exhilaration of meeting someone new, of not knowing what the night will bring. We quirkyalones seek momentous meetings.

By the same token, being alone is understood as a wellspring of feeling and experience. There is a bittersweet fondness for silence. All those nights alone—they bring insight.

Sometimes, though, we wonder whether we have painted ourselves into a corner. Standards that started out high only become higher once you realize the contours of this existence. When we do find a match, we verge on obsessive—or we resist.

And so, a community of like-minded souls is essential.

I can't begin to explain how much this hits home for me. The desire to be spontaneous, not settling for the sake of coupledom, and the strange balance of companionship and loneliness. I think I've finally found a weird lifestyle moniker to cling to. Yay!

Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics is the resulting book, still available at Amazon.

I even took the online quiz,
Your score was 102. Very quirkyalone:
Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world.


Yay, I've found a home on teh interwebs :-D

21st Century Celibacy

I've mentioned before that my Spinster Agenda isn't to make everyone live the way I do. It's about getting people to be happy with their own lives, and inciting them to make life decisions based on what THEY want.

Today on C&D, Why Celibacy Is Better Than Sex is a good read. Not all women have the same emotional connections or reactions to sex. But this is a GREAT example of someone making up their own damn mind in the middle of a culture that sends tons of mixed messages. She is rockin' her freedom of choice, and not whining about what she doesn't have.

I mean, seriously. "The Media" sends us eight bajillion messages a day that not only should we be having tons of sex, we should equate our sex life to a dish washer. And then we should go buy the dish washer. On another side, there are more than a few spiritual crusades going on against premarital sex, and blaming it for many of the world's failings.

I've also heard this referred to as Second Virginity, and sometimes it's an entirely secular decision. Sadly, I couldn't find the article where I first read about this idea.

Luv,
Sassy


PS, C&D is a mixed bag of a blog. I read their book, Style Statement, and it was great! Very inspirational along the lines of making your own life (and style) decisions, and it struck a chord with my somewhat holistic personal philosophies. Buying a new pair of shoes or a couch won't change your life, but having a home that you really enjoy can't hurt.

But nowadays about 60% of their blog content is split between children/husband/finding a boyfriend. Not so much my thing. 20% is diet & exercise, and another 10% is "Buy this!" Occasionally there's a thought provoking gem, or advice about playing with your personal style statement. But the book is sooo much fun :-).

Does Science = Love? Literally?

Anti-Love Drug May Be Ticket to Bliss

Science accidentally finds potential for a love potion, and a love vaccine.

I can't say I'd take one or the other, but biochemistry is fun to read about :-)

Also, didn't they cover this in Alien Nation?



In other news, I'm trying to figure out how to make this Blogger Blog look less boring. How do you my fellow Bloggists do this?

x0x0 A less tech savvy Spinster

Study finds romantic comedies may be bad for us.

Romantic comedies 'spoil your love life' sez Heriot Watt University.

I started blogging a few weeks ago. Now whenever I start thinking about or working on a new post, something new from the interwebs shows up to tie everything together.

The other week I was thinking about a particular Spinster stereotype. I was home & sick that weekend, but I did not sulk while watching romantic comedies and dramas. Instead, I watched 10 hours of Babylon 5 (my friend got me hooked a few months ago, still haven't seen it all) without the sulking.

During Thanksgiving weekend I happened to see the movie 27 Dresses, and the long, slow, painful trudge through co-dependence almost made me cry. And not in the happy-wedding way.

Like the friend that pointed out this article to me, I was never into most romantic comedies. And after a year of figuring out my head-workings, I'm even less into them, and sometimes have averse physical reactions to them. I like some romantic plots, depending on the story, writing, etc., and usually as part of a larger entity. Especially in the SF genre (so much Bab 5 'shipping, OMG). Shakespeare is the exception, but I can't resist his text.

So I'm going to introduce another tag-cloud of posts about movies and other media that do not reinforce the agenda of the Romatrix. Be prepared for some really odd flicks.

Settling for Celibacy

15 Years Without Knocking Boots

First, I'm sure this essay is supposed to be comical.

Second, it is interesting to examine and pick apart lots of little details about it, with no offense meant to the author, because it's a humorous piece that doesn't take itself too seriously.

Even so... oy. Take what I want to write about and do a complete 180. With an extra dose of impatience and whining.

I regard men with ambivalence, with alternate longing and fear.

This I can understand. She likes their company, and then is consistently disappointed by them. Rejection is never fun, and it sounds like some of the men she's been with have had severely bad cases of the dumb.

I've grown accustomed to being alone.

OK, WTF is that all about? She goes on and on about her gal pals, and how some of them have even hit on her. And what about her career? There's an article on Salon.com with her name in the byline- does this mean nothing in the face of being single?

But we all crave human contact. "So," I resigned myself, scheduling a back massage, "welcome to the wonderful world of the middle-aged, celibate single woman. You now have to pay people to touch you." It's funny how comforted I can feel simply by hands rubbing my body. I know some men are willing to offer extra for a "happy ending" -- for them, sensuality isn't achieved unless it ends in orgasm -- but for me, I'm perfectly content just letting someone rub my shoulders, my back.

Isn't there anybody in her life willing to give her a free back rub? I'm single, and I've had two in the past week, neither with the ulterior motive of sexxing me up.

Oh, wait,

And I suppose it would help to leave the house. I am quite reclusive, as most writers are, and unless some drywall guy who reads Russian literature shows up on my doorstep, it is highly unlikely that I will meet an available straight single man any time soon.

Because we all know that the best way to meet other single people, "for friendship or more," is to stay home on the weekends. Where do all her gal pals come into it while she's shut up at home?


I don't disagree with her philosophy, "You have to be in love to make love," especially since she's tried the alternatives and did not like them. I've said before, different strokes for different folks.

But instead of reflecting on her life for what it is, she focuses on what it is not. It is not shared with a romantic partner, woe! Forget all the accomplishments and adoring friends, she can't find Mr. Right! Towards the end she brings up non-romantic love and friendship, but almost as an afterthought. It sounds like she settles for what she has instead of cherishing it.

This makes for a very whiny sounding article that makes my teeth grind, regardless of the ironic, comical tones. And I think it helps reinforce the stereotype that I'm trying to break.

Back to the beginning

Like a good librarian, I started this project with research. I looked for other blogs and articles about Spinster-hood, and it was discouraging at first. Most bloggers use the term to bemoan their single status. I wanted to put something together that was more upbeat, more academically detached, and a lot less whiny.

I did find a small handful that embrace their status (rather than settle for it), and a few articles and books that followed suit.

Spinster in the City: In her own words, "Living Single in SLC. Not a bad existence, but I'm tired of feeling like a second class citizen!"

Spinster, An Evolving Stereotype Revealed Through Film: An academic paper published and posted in 2000, very interesting. Inspired me to take a more detached, academic look at my sitch.

The Search for Wisdom- The Modern Spinster: redefining "spinster" for the 21st Century.

Spinsters and Lunatics, online home of the "Spinsters and Lunatics" newsletter: Good FAQ, but hasn't published since June 2008. Fie.

Reclaiming "Spinster": an article that includes lots of nice quotes, some from blogs that I tried to hunt down but are now MIA.

Not Married, Not Bothered: An ABC for Spinsters: a paperback from the UK. Unfortunately, not very quickly available in the U.S. without paying crazy shipping charges. Still on my "to read" list for someday. "Not bothered," is pretty much where I am with my status right now.

Am still on the lookout for more books, articles, and bloggers. Networking is luv ;-)