Not looking, not bothered.

Sleep deprivation has not helped with sussing out a new standard for the next few weeks. But the sleep debt didn't come from backsliding into my bad social habits, to do with my haphazard mating attempts, so that's something. Partying and having long involved chats with friends are what I actually want to do with my life.

Halloween night marked the end of my celibate period and was a lot of fun. At least until I asked a stranger at my theater's party what his costume was, and apparently that gave him the right to paw at me on the dance floor. Furthermore, his pick-up line was "You have really nice skin, I like your skin..." Um, eeek. Nothnxkbye. He was also pretending to be a kinkster, which got on my nerves big time.

On the upside, it drives home the point that I hate dealing with these things. On the downside, I didn't think it could get worse than "Hi I'm rebounding, can I use you?" It definitely gets worse. I think its time for this low-hanging fruit to stop acting like a tart.


I'm still not ready to adopt celibacy as my official lifestyle. But I HATE the Mating Game. So my new mantra will be "Not looking, not bothered," as inspired by a British book about singleness (with mixed reviews). If someone wants to chase me I will figure out what to do about it then. But it is doubtful that will happen around the social groups I'm currently involved in. Otherwise I will continue to focus on things that really make me happy.

I'm going to do this from now until Yule (ie, Winter Solstice) and see how it works out. Yay for more social experimentation :-)

Nearing the End

The end point of my social experiment with Seven Weeks of Celibacy ends on Halloween this Sunday.

Yay?

I am still mulling over where to go next. Not sure if I'm ready to adopt this as my official lifestyle, but the last few weeks have been unusually clear-minded for me. Aside from a week in September when everyone in NYC seemed to have SAD (or PMS?), the only bad weeks I've had corresponded with backslides into being boy crazy.

Taking this time to refocus, by taking a slash-and-burn approach to my (lack of a) sex life, gave me lots of time and energy to look back on the summer and identify individual aspects of my experience and filter out the ones I truly hated.

For example, hanging around at public events waiting to be noticed, by strangers or known entities? Yuck. I'm not sure what part of my brain fell dormant to think that was a good idea for me (although other people have fun with that, more power to 'em).

Doing unsolicited favors to ingratiate myself to attractive people? Double yuck. One day I'll wax long upon doormat syndrome, to help others avoid my dumb mistakes.

Staying out late in bars trying to be cute or impressive to people, and then being too tired to do things that were actually fun later in the week? Also super dumb. Maybe I temporarily became a pod person.


But not all of my reflections were negative! I seem to have fallen out of interest with fancy clothes and makeup (or just been lazy), but it's fun to dress up when going out with my lady friends to a ritzy place. Reading tarot and listening to people's romantic stories in bars can be fun! Focusing on the actually fun things I wanted to do gave me lots of time and energy to do them, as well as my daily routines. I'm still not against coupling, most apparent when I attended my friends' lovely (nerd!) wedding and was very happy for them :-)

Bottom line, I am not against mating, but I despise the Mating Game. Or a strange self-taught version of the Mating Game that makes me tired and sad. From these observations, I will make a new resolution for the rest of the year.

Now I need to find a new clever catchphrase for the next six to seven weeks of social experimentation :-)

Seven Weeks of Celibacy

Vow of Celibacy! Yes!

For the last few weeks I've poked at my brain. Most parts of my life and outlook don't add up anymore. I have so many fun projects to work on that aren't getting done. Something unrecognized is making me mopey and unfocused and insecure.

It culminated during a nighttime girl-talk session at one of the comedian bars last weekend. We were talking about chasing boys, and the earnest scab-picking session that always goes along with these conversations.

And I was not having fun.

I looked back over the last few months, and years, and then as far back as I could remember. For one period of my life it was fun having a boyfriend, but I have never actually enjoyed chasing boys.

To my shock, I realized that most of my thoughts and activities for the last few months have been geared towards chasing, attracting, or ingratiating myself to prospective mates. Every time I made myself up to look cute, or stayed out late with friends, or went to new events, it was often in the hopes of getting matched or picked up. This never actually happened, and I was frequently dissatisfied about my life.

After years of being (as one friend described me) fiercely independent I'm not sure where this switch to codependency happened in light of not having an actual person to be codependent with. And these new behaviors coincided with a loss of focus, increasing problems with sleep and time management, and several personal projects falling apart or not getting started. Especially this blog, because the thought of being a Neo-Spinster became less alluring than... what? Being picked up in a bar by a slimy alcoholic? WTF!


What happens if I start living singly on purpose, again? In NLP terms I'm not giving anything up or making sacrifices, but re-framing my outlook on life. Like I said, boy-chasing has never been a pleasurable activity for me, so why not replace it with things that will be fun?

From now until Samhain (aka Halloween), I will be celibate. Roughly seven weeks. Like a mental/emotional detox to try and get back to the way I was when I started this blog, but without the Zoloft. And I hope to figure out why this happened in the first place so I can prevent it from derailing my life again ;-)

As always, Your Mileage May Vary.

Sassy Needs a Recharge

I am a bad blogger this summer. Internet self promotion is all about consistency, and in that respect I am totally made of fail. Although I put up an invitation to send me blog topics a few weeks ago and nobody responded, so I'm sure my quiet is unnoticed by the world at large.


What I've been doing instead of blogging:

Coming to terms with an illness in the family.

Decluttering and cleaning my house. Like, a lot.

Working on my budget skillz.

Developing a sleep budget.

Cooking things without heat. So... more like mixing, I guess.

Taking improv comedy classes.

Seeing lots of shows.

Taking lots of comedy show photos.

Sometimes posting those photos on the internet. Argh, backlog.

Gardening!

Studying Neuro Linguistic Programming.

Studying astrology.

Performing tons of tarot readings.

Taking the Pill.

Abstaining from use of makeup and contact lenses, because my eyes hurt!

Wearing sun dresses.

Wearing old slips/negligee as sun dresses.

Boggling at how much money people spend on overpriced brand name gadgets.

Preparing for DRAGONCON!!!!!

So... this was going to be a "I'm on a blogger break," announcement, but of course listing these things out gives me ideas for new posts. Posts that might be out of season by after Labor Day weekend. In that case, if your Sass reception may seem spotty and inconsistent until early September, do not adjust your set. I'm just taking a sass-nap ;-)

How is your summer vacation/staycation/wageslavery going this year?

Life-Upgrade Update!

Last month's budget numbers were a little weird, due to my birthday celebrations and putting cash down on an improv class. But still hopeful.

My weekly discretionary budget is staring to work out, my habits need more tweeking than the budget itself does.

Cutting back on junk at the grocery store has significantly lowered my grocery bills. Fruit is a lot cheaper than cookies.

Pina Colada Sorbet was a wonderful idea for homemade. I don't feel the need to keep eating it until its gone like super rich homemade ice cream. Am trying to hack the recipe so I don't have to add any extra sugar.

I may try to kick my daily chocolate habit all together. I can't have just one piece, and too much makes me feel super yucky. This is freaking out my friends more than quitting alcohol *and* caffeinated drinks.

I GOT MY BALCONY BACK FROM THE RENO CREWS NOW I CAN PUT MY GARDEN TOGETHER AGAIN OMG YAY!

Still trying to figure out when I have time for making jewelry. That's super important, both for potential extra income and occupied alone-time.

Also trying to streamline my online presences to make it easier to promote all the weird stuff I do. May have to trade jewelry for another website, but this one will be super simple.

Allergy shots seem to be working *crosses fingers* along with all my new prescriptions.

After reading some of the blogs I posted about last week, am trying to talk to more new people. Not total strangers, but other people at the theaters I frequent whom I have not met yet. Seems good so far.

Figured out how to watermark/tag my improv show photos. I don't mind other people using them, but I like my credits.

Also figured out how to wire my Tumblr feed in advance to post improv photos. Back to obsessively photographing shows :-D

Space is Limited. Home is Infinite.

Yay, Apartment Therapy's Small Cool 2010 Contest is completed!

It's got lots of pretty home design pics, if that's what you're into. I am, and it went into crazy overdrive when I was home shopping in late 2008. Apartment Therapy is a good overall blog for that, although when I was reading it a year ago it was drifting from "apartment" to "general home things that don't fit in apartments." Maybe they're better now.

This contest was the awesome exception, a celebration of tiny spaces that people make livable and gorgeous.

My co-op apartment is less than 400 square feet, including the balcony and closets. Now that I'm settled in, maybe I will submit to this contest next year :-D Which gives me about 10 months to finish the kitchen reno (CRINGE), de-clutter, clean, and borrow a tripod to take some bitchin' photos.

So far, no matter how I angle the camera my home still looks way more cluttered than it is.

Lol, j/k ;-) This was moving week.

The Credit Card Monster

I think most Americans have one. And like the monsters we used to have under the bed or in the closet, it has the power to keep us from sleeping peacefully at night.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have a pretty good idea where mine came from:

• Ooooo, stuff is on sale!
• Buying jewelry supplies is no problem! I'll just resell it later, right? And high vendor fees are totally worth all of the press if I only break even!
• I'm going to put EVERYTHING on my cards for now, to stockpile extra cash for the co-op purchase! Then I can just pay it all back later.

The first habit I mostly squished a few years ago, as I became Discardian. The second was trickier, but I've put a moratorium on all my business related spending. I still have plenty of unused supplies, and this is forcing me to finally use all of them in unexpected ways.

The third was the worst in the long run, because I didn't notice for a long time what a terrible habit I'd developed. And it's not just what you're spending on the cards, its also what the bank is charging you in interest on purchases. One of my cards doesn't even come with any extra customer benefits due to a SNAFU with the bank. No matter how aggressively I tried to pay them down, they kept building up with new expenses and interest.


My live is fairly uncomplicated, financially speaking, so its a good time to go monster hunting ;-)

Rule one, stop feeding the monster. I haven't frozen my cards into a block of ice, but I have stopped using them all together. Its either cash or debit, and I don't like using my debit card.

Rule two, begin the hack'n'slash! I already have some savings, so I'm devoting everything that would go to debt reduction and savings to just debt reduction. The interest on my credit cards is a lot higher than the interest on my savings account (thanx BoA).

Fixing Finances

I hate the stereotype that women are incompetent at tracking their finances. Based on the state of the national economy, *everybody* is bad with finance. It looks like part of the latest incarnation of the American dream is to live outside one's means.

But I've been doing my own taxes for years, both business and personal. I didn't need to be rescued from numbers, and I like to know where my results come from in case I'm audited. It's tedious but people blow the difficulties out of proportion. Managing my personal finances holds about the same amount of tedium, but smaller bits spread out over the year.

First I just tracked my spending for four months, starting in January. I was almost always in the red, but always for different reasons (medical, business trip, week of parties, etc). For that reason I put off making a proper budget because I wanted to see what a "normal" month was like. Until the *headdesk* moment when I realized there is no such thing. At the beginning of May I worked something out that I think affords me some room for errors, as I slowly learn to stop making them.

I also realized that I can't keep track of a personal budget on a once-a-month budget. My bills can be tracked that way, usually all paid on the first of the month, but not my groceries or discretionary spending habits. So its once-a-week checks for food and random stuff.

Like the grocery changes, I think this will be OK. Breaking habits is difficult, but some sources indicate that its better to exchange one habit for another.

The "No Buy" List

For the most part, my lifestyle improvements are about planning ahead rather than outright denying myself. But I'm going to try something slightly more difficult with grocery shopping. Or easier?

There is a list of things I'm no longer buying at the grocery store, which includes almost all of the snack foods I can think of. I still buy crackers, because sometimes my stomach can't handle more than saltines, and Triscuits are an OK substitute for bread when I don't want to make sandwiches. Its fine so long as I don't eat the whole box. They make rosemary flavored Triscuits now, ZOMG.

BUT I am OK with eating desserts if I make them myself. I can usually make it better ;-) I even have an ice cream maker, but am sticking to sorbet for the time being.

Also on the list are most dairy products. I've had a LOT of chest colds this spring, and dairy makes them worse, so I'm staying away from cheese and ice cream for a while. I used to buy corn chips primarily as a vehicle for eating as much sour cream as possible, so both of those are gone. Butter survived the purge because I bake with it.

I'm trying to stick to products with ingredients that I understand. Crackers are an exception, but WOW bread is hard to shop for now. Its like I can only have ingredients I recognize *or* high fiber content. WTH. Canned soups are also annoying as I work through the backlog of items purchased before I made this list. Mayonnaise is mostly recognizable except for the preservatives.

I cut out most sodas when I went caffeine free 5+ years ago (this freaks people out WAY more than my teetotaler habits). I really only drink water in my house, or fresh brewed tea, or sometimes I have a bottle of V8 in the fridge. Liquid products are super heavy to carry home from the grocery store anyway.


I like my food products like I like my people: able to clearly communicate what they're about.

The Noms Begin

As previously stated, I'm re-evaluating my relationship with food, because I would never be able to break up with it. *sigh*

I don't really like the term "diet" because it brings up too many images of obsessive compulsively counting calories, owning a scale, and being miserable. I am cutting back on buying and eating certain things with other intentions in mind than my weight, namely to feel less tired and save some money.

First goal: I want to cook more and eat out less. This satisfies so many things I'm trying to fix.

I'm lactose intolerant and have other similar whiny-stomach issues, so cooking for myself is a great way to avoid these conditions. I'll know exactly what I'm eating because I made it, and it's all exactly the way I like it.

And it can save lots of cash, depending on where you buy your groceries. But I'm not allowed to go back to Whole Foods until I scale back some more credit card debt.

It is annoying to wash all of those extra plastic containers from bringing my own lunches to work, but I'll just grit my teeth and deal.

Building a Better Spinster

Yesterday was my birthday (YAY!), and that tends to get people all introspective about their lives and choices.

There are things I don't like about my lifestyle. Because my enormous wealth of friends, and the abundance of information and guidance available on the internet, I'm starting to focus more on fixing them. May as well blog about it ;-)


1) I'm in credit card debt. Not to the point of declaring bankruptcy or eating pb&j for every meal (which actually wouldn't be so bad...). But after four months of carefully tracking my $$ habits I've come to the conclusion that my relationship with money is not healthy.

2) I'm a bit overweight. I am 26 on the BMI* which is not the end of the world. But weird cholesterol problems and diabetis run in my family, and i miss wearing some of the clothes I had when I was 24 on the BMI.

3) I have mood swings, depression, and insomnia, which I think are related. I am in therapy for clinical depression, and doing A LOT better than when I started 2 years ago, but I'd like to do more tinkering between sessions. I am "tired" much of the time, sometimes its emotional, sometimes physical, often both. The ties between mind and body are very interesting.

4) I keep getting sick! I get frequent "chest colds" which eat into a lot of my social and work life. I've missed many cons/parties/shows/classes/goodbyes to this over the past few months, grrr.

5) I am bad at keeping up with my part time business. I'm making an effort to spend less $$ on the jewelry business this year, and use the materials/resources I already have. But it's super hard to keep focused between illness and social life.


My goals are not super exact at this point. In part because I'm tired and have trouble focusing. But if the interwebs are watching, I hope to have more motivation to get it together. Right now I'm doing some major tinkering with the financial, and more minor tinkering with everything else until I find things that fit. I'm also taking advantage of having a job with health care benefits, and getting all of my check-ups and tests sorted out. ESPECIALLY the allergist/immunologist.

Many of the ideas and plans I'm coming up with interrelate these problems, the best example being a change in my diet that is going to work with all of the first four points, I hope. Regular exercise is something I miss, but item four keeps getting in the way of me going back to tai chi and yoga classes. Grrrr.

This may evolve into regular posts about how I'm doing, maybe with numbers and statistics. It will definitely include links to other blogs where I've found a lot of food-for-thought on these subjects. Just remember that my own advice is not infallible ;-)


Luv, Spinster One.


*The BMI, by most accounts I've seen lately, is really not the best health/weight/fat guide. The height/weight ratio does nothing to differentiate between the different materials that make up the human body, which all have different densities. But I'm shy about recording my actual weight, so its good enough for this purpose.

Spinning Back Out

Wow, been a while! Sorry about that... I guess? Meh, its cyber-space, things happen.

My absence was caused by a combination of things to do outside of the blogosphere, and a lack of people really getting me here. I also found the wonderful website Quirkyalone.net, which says everything I want to say but without all of the patronizing but well(?)meaning readers commenting "Tut tut, I'm sure you'll find someone someday..." *headdesk* Very discouraged, I lost interest in the uphill battle of making myself understood.

But I'm back now, possibly to take this blog in a slightly different direction.


When last we saw our Sassy Spinster, she was bemoaning the lack of not-busy friends to hang out and game with. This situation has more than reversed itself. I became addicted to improvised comedy shows, and then got sucked into the Cult of Improv itself. Now I'm taking improv classes at The Magnet Theater in NYC, and going to lots of shows and mixers. When I have class shows, my friends-of-old come out to see me perform, and take a break from school, work, and weddings. I take a metric ton of show photos. Good times!!

At least, I was doing all of these things, until I started getting sick once or twice a month without any clear reason. All respiratory stuff. My allergist just confirmed that I'm allergic to everything she has a standard test for, so that's a start.

Now that I am too sick to go out a lot of the time (I used to love Springtime D-:) I have time to blog again. I have also been losing/finding my feet in other personal matters, like finance, health, and nutrition, and am looking for a place to put all of those thoughts. I still have my Livejournal friends, but I'm hoping it will be easier to keep up with my own improvement plans if they are in a public forum.

So I'm back. Yay!

<3 Chrysilla, the Sassy Spinster

Singles Awareness Week BLOGATHON!

The Sassy Spinster and Luscious Sealed Lips are plotting and scheming. Muahaha. Ha ha.

As you may have heard, February 14th is also known as Singles Awareness Day. This year, Luscious and Sassy are celebrating with a week-long blogathon!

And you are all invited to join us!


The Guidelines:

1) Comment on either of our two blogs with your blog name, blog address, and email if you would like to participate. That way we can put together a BIG networky list. Wordpress, Livejournal, all are welcome. Repost this with links on your blog so we can spread the word around. We promise not to do naughty things with your email, just keep all us bloggers in contact about the blogathon. My email is on my Blogger profile if you want to contact me covertly.

2) Make *at least* one blog post during the week (February 9th through 13th) about how awesome it is to be single, or how awesome single people are. You don't have to be single to write about it, but we are here to celebrate Singledom. And make sure the blog post is publicly accessible.

3) Blog in your own idiom (fiction, fact, satire, politics, articles, science, zombies, gossip, etc.) about how awesome it is to be single.

4) No bitter bottoms allowed! This isn't about settling. It's definitely not about whining. It's about embracing what you do and can have in your awesome life!


On Friday the 13th (giggles) I'm going to round up all the posts and put up another big list. Or if it's a really big turn out I'll filter it down to my favorites. Feel free to compile your own favorites list too!

Have fun, wreak havoc!!

Luv,
Sassy

http://thesassyspinster.blogspot.com/
http://luscioussealedlips.blogspot.com/

Return From Limbo

Because that's really what winter break is like for me. I work at a college library, so I get about a week and a half off while the college is closed to students. I make a ton of plans of what to do with my free time. So instead I lay around in my pajamas all week until my friends call me out of the house for hooka or goth clubbing.

But the rest of the world keeps moving, even when I'm sitting on my fat butt eating leftover Xmas cookies. And pies, and chocolates, and breadsticks, and ... eep.


Case in point: Save our Sooj and Help Vera are two online communities working to help a musician and an editor (respectively) out of dire financial situations. Go read their stories, bask in the fan-luv, help out if you are inclined.

This is what I'm talking about! I know Sooj has an S.O. (actually, she has several, but that's another story...), I'm not sure if Vera has one, but both are beloved by their families and the communities of people they live in and work with.

Who needs romance when hundreds of people really care about you? ;-)


In other news, I'm not really up on the whole New Years resolution thing this year. In early November some aspects of my life changed for the better, and that's when I started resolving to do things. Waiting for New Years to start seemed silly. Binding my resolutions to a one-year period feels doomed to failure. 2008 was also a rough year for me, and the rough isn't quite over yet, so it's difficult to just cut ties and leave the year behind.

I'll keep working to be more *me* but not just for 2009. Life is always beginning and ending, and not just when we switch out our calendars.


I'm also trying to formulate some interesting ways to celebrate Singles Awareness Day (February 14th) this year. On m'blog, and in NYC. Any ideas?

Goal post

My friend on Debt Free Saver tagged me to post some goals, so I'm going to whack two birds with one stone and make some blog goals.

Publish one "matter" post per week. This includes reflections and stockpiles of information on ... whatever topic seems relevant that week.

Publish one communal post per week. There's no limit on commenting on this blog, but it's fun when the blogger asks a question and sees what readers have to say or suggest.

Goal posts (*giggles*) don't count under either heading, so expect two more posts this week ;-)